Talking about money and making responsible financial decisions should be part of every serious relationship. Unfortunately, in a lot of cases, these topics are rather considered taboo. Not surprisingly, money issues are among the most common marriage problems, if not the number one.
When we find our life partner the following questions come shortly. Or if not, they should be.
How do we handle our finances? Do we keep our separate accounts? Do we open a new fresh bank account for US? Or, do we do both? How much should we spend and save? What investments should we look into? What is our short and long-term financial plan?
Just not to be mistaken, this is about serious relationships and not couple-of-weeks-dating or one-night stands. Of course, you should not consider these questions until you think about your relationship as exclusive and long-term.
So, how do we know which form of finance handling should we choose? We TALK. Yes, that is missing in so many relationships. Talking about money. It has to be clear what each side wants and has to be discussed when you imagine your life together. You have common expenses and decide on a lot of things together, money should be included.
Of course, there is not one perfect scenario. It really depends on the couple and what suits them.
Let’s see our story. We met when we were only 22 and both of us had a bank account. In the beginning, we paid quite equally on our dates. We moved together in 2016, still in HU, and started to have more and more common expenses. We more or less shared these and divided the costs equally but there was not even any consideration of having a shared account. We were young and just got to see if we could live together. It’s important to note that we had almost the same income and saved some money each month on our separate accounts.
A year later we decided to move to NL. So then it was discussion time! We needed to sit down and share our thoughts on what would be the best. We had the same amount of savings in HUF that we put together to start this new adventure abroad. We knew that from now on we’ll have mostly common costs and it’s time to put together what we have. We moved together and our relationship was very stable to make this step forward.
It’s also very essential that by that time we already got to know each other financially. Thankfully, we agreed on most of the things. We are both on team saving and not buying useless things. We decided to open a joint account. So, my money and his money became our money. What a romantic love story, right? Even if there were some changes in our income (full-time vs part-time jobs) we never had a fight about who’s bringing more money home or made each other account for expenses. We’re on the same page.
Since then, we got married (2019) and had two sons (2020, 2022). We have more money and also new kind of expenses. So, we TALK about it. What is worth buying for our sons? Where, what and when should we invest? Easy peasy things like this.
Honestly, I don’t know how we would do this if we kept our financials separately. Probably, we would have figured out a system that works for us and we should have done much more administration to have a clear picture of the financials.
This works for US and we are not saying that every couple needs sharing as that’s the best recipe. God no! Some are much better with keeping things separate! This can save a lot of fights. Not to mention if the partners have a different attitude towards money. One is more like a spendthrift and the other is too tight? Well, in those cases it’s not enough to keep things separate but to compromise a lot regarding the family budget. I believe that money can cause lots of problems in relationships but if we agree to seriously talk about it and make efforts, there are no difficulties we cannot overcome. Just listen to each other and try to understand the other party. Figure out what works for you!
Separate accounts might give you relief. Keep it. Autonomy is very important. But you also want to share as you’re a family? No problemo. Just open a shared account which you both fuel either equally or in proportion to your salaries. There are a lot of scenarios and you have to find the best functioning that suits your family.
So, how can you know?
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- Schedule a date for this magnificent event to talk about your own financials. <3
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- Prepare and think about the points you want to discuss with your partner.
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- If alcohol helps to open up about the topic, have a glass of wine or whatever. (Be careful as this can lead to the opposite as well. Remember, it’s a date and you don’t want it to be a disaster in the end.) I’m still breastfeeding, so only sober dates for us. It’s also recommended! Clear heads for these topics.
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- Listen to each other and share your thoughts. You can discuss anything with mutual respect and a low tone. After all, we are homo sapiens
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- Expenses, incomes, budget, children costs, education, traveling, future plans, investments, contingency reserve, whatever
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- Execute the plan
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- Make this a habit and sit together monthly. Evaluate if something works or not. Make changes, try something else. Find out what works for both of you.
These simple things, to be open with your partner regarding money can save marriages.
There is one downside of having a shared account and being 100% transparent financially in our marriage. It’s a challenge to buy anything for the other person without him finding it out before the event.
How often do you talk about money with your partner? Do you manage your finances together or leave it to the other party? What system does work for your family? Do you have hidden money that your partner doesn’t know about?